Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
