hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
