Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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