Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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