Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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