Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
