so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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