I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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