I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
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