Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
