What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
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Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
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Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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