I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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