we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
