When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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