the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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