Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Randomize
