my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
