seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Randomize
