a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
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I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
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"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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