Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I'm both gender and math confused
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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