Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
