Pappa wants mamma naked
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
