people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
