Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
