I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
