i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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