No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
