I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
