we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
