Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
