When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
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