Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
