i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
