when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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