I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
