just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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