He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
