Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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