Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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