Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
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He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
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Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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