Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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