the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
