remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
