The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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