1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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