When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
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I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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