if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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