If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
