So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
