my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
