Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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