RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
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