We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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