I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I need to sanitize my soul.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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