wakey wakey hands off snakey
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
