I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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