You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
