I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
